Things to say to your server when you eat low carb

For anyone that has braved eating out when low carbing, you are well aware of the confusion that is evident on the faces of some servers when you make special requests or refuse things that seem innocuous to some people. Here is a compact list of handy responses that you can keep with you when eating out, in case you meet with some resistance from your server.


1.) I'm Diabetic. If you give me sugar I'll go into a coma immediately after stabbing you with my fork.

2.) Keep your croutons to yourself, mister.

3.) I just ordered a hamburger wrapped in lettuce. If you offer me fries one more time, I'll order them and insert them into your eyes.

4.) Yes, that's all I want on my plate. If it makes you feel better you can put a potato there for me to toss at your other table.

5.) So I eat butter with a spoon. You brought me a loaf of bread. As I see it, you tried to kill me and I'm trying to butter away the pain.

6.) You're right, it's not a balanced diet. That's why I eat Vegans.

There it is - six things to confuse and frighten uncooperative servers.

Thanks for reading! Remember, print this out and practice - sooner or later you'll find the perfect opportunity to make your server understand the depth of their ignorance. Or you could just get arrested. Either way, it's sure to be fun.

New favorite breakfast spot

For those of you that may be in or near the San Francisco/Oakland (that's right, the bay) area, you really should make a trip to Point Richmond and check out Little Louie's Cafe. They have a ton of not-on-my-diet items, but I won't hold that against them. Bread is baked fresh daily, sandwiches are crafted, and various coffee drinks are brewed within their walls. I hear they make a mean burger too, but I've never partaken.

Now, what I show up there for is the ham-and-cheese omelet. And the (slightly not-on-the-diet) coffee! The omelet is made with monterey jack and black forest ham, and I have to say; the consistency of the egg in their omelettes is possibly the best I've experienced. They use just the right amount of oil, and have the grill set to what I would guess to be the "perfect" setting. To state it plainly, it's the best omelet I've ever not made myself.

The only thing that makes my omelets better is that I don't have to pay almost 9 bucks for 'em. But, Louie's has a nice atmosphere and the service is honest. Honest, yes. What I mean by that, is they don't seem to have the curse of "professional" servers. I mean this in a good way! I'm spared the memorized food propaganda that I would normally get at larger, and perhaps more expensive, restaurants.

"Can I interest you in BLAHAHAH BLAH BLAH today?'

No thanks. Not today. I didn't yesterday and probably won't tomorrow either.

What I got instead was:

"Hi."

and then,

"Here's a menu, lemme know when you're ready."

Then the gentleman went back behind the deli counter to ring someone up for a latte. A few minutes later I beckoned him over. Five minutes after that he brought me my HUGELY stuffed omelet. It was packed with a ton of ham. Well, a few ounces at least. Come to find out, he felt a little bad that I didn't want his potatoes or toast so he had the lady on the grill stuff some extra ham in there. Black forest ham can be expensive; they lost money on me I'm betting.

Maybe someone who reads this and eats bread can tell me how the sandwiches are...

Until next time.